Whenever I take on a guided meditation for this class, I expect one thing; to find a piece of me that I have long forgotten. During this exercise, I chose to focus on my emotions. I had long thought that I was an unemotional girl, who blocked out other peoples emotions and was 'strong' or 'hard' and of course crying was for the weak. The more I look inside myself, the more I realize I'm even more emotional than my wife, who may cry and show her emotion, I may get angry and throw a tantrum, but even anger, no matter how subtle, is an emotion and a strong one at that. I wanted to use this session to open my own heart to the idea of forgiveness... My wife and I are planning to have a child in the next year; both of us are from the horrible lower-class families where violence and neglect were a thing of our everyday life. We did not have the chance to see what a real family was like, or a loving and caring mother/father during our most important childhood years. For that, she has mostly forgiven her family, but I have not. I'm the one who holds grudges for years, but for this session, I wanted to forgive my mother for the life she gave me, and all the mistakes she made. I wanted nothing more than to feel that hate, and anger subside from my mind.. Only once the anger is gone, can I truly move forward and free up that clouded space for happiness to enter. I envisioned this dark cloud of negative emotions slowly drifting away as the beauty of the bright sun replaced it. I became warm, and suddenly filled with joy, a joy that only I could fill. If it's one thing that I've learned over my short 25 years of life and sessions with meditation, it's that what people do aren't the cause for our actions. If someone dumps a cup of milk on my computer and I punch them in the face, it's not their fault for dumping milk, it's my fault for my reaction. What we do, is give others power over us, over our emotions and over our actions. Only through meditation have I been able to accept this fact, and start taking responsibility for my actions. I hope one day I can use meditation to enhance my positive feelings instead of running away the negative.
Jess
Jennifer... Thank you for being so open with your blog. I like how you go into the meditation practices with intention. You have something you want to concentrate on and that you have discovered so much about yourself. Good Luck on starting your family, these exercises will come in handy when those terrible twos hit =)
ReplyDeleteVery powerfull post, I came from a home similar to that but it was manly verbal abuse. Then after my brother commited suicide my mother vanished mentally. The physical aspect of there but she was like an empty shell. It is hard for me to express my emotions because of that now and I am still trying to forgive her for the neglect but now she is doing the same thing to her only grandson which is my son. They live in GA and I am in NC I have skype and she still has no time for my son and she does not work. She has time she is just repeating what happened 23 years ago. I hope you can get everything fixed and you and your wife have an amazing family together. I will tell you this having a child is the biggest blesshing you can get. I have never done drugs but having my son makes me feel like someone who has just smoke alot of weed. If you are worried about how you and your wife will be because of your past, dont, I know easier said than done. Think about it though you dont want to end up like that learn from those mistakes and dont repeat them. You have a good heart I mean you put your personal bussiness out there to complete strangers in this blog. If someone poors milk on my computer I am liable to hit them with the computer.
ReplyDeleteHi Jess,
ReplyDeleteLoved reading this post of yours. Loved to see that I am not the only one who feels or felt as I do or did. I am also growing and learning how to forgive and how to show or feel my emotions a bit more than I have been. These sessions have given me a chance to think…to evolve into, I suppose a better ME. I am so glad to see that you too are growing.
Cary